Upon Reflection
by NekonoKatzen
Summary: Erts' departure to GIS and the events leading up to it from the perspectives of Erts, Rome, and (eventually) Zero.
1. Erts

**Updated author's notes (8/26/04):** This chapter of this fic was originally written and posted in Fall 2002, but I thought I'd never continue it, so I took it down. However, to my surprise, a few days ago I was suddenly inspired to write a related Rome monologue... so this fic, along with it's new chapter, is being reposted.

I guess I should warn you all that the chapters don't flow perfectly together, which is semi-intentional. You got to figure, these are different characters with different points of view of the same basic events. They all think and feel differently about these things... hence the drastic changes that occur from chapter to chapter. Plus my writing style has changed a bit.

**Original author's notes (Fall 2002):** Um it's written in a train of thought kinda thing. It's Erts BTW, and I REALLY tried to keep it in character but I probably failed miserably. Couples in this chapter are one-sided Rome/Erts and Zero/Erts (which I guess you could call one-sided here as well). Credit for the line "The eyes the hue of the fragile glow hardly anyone notices; where Zion's radiance and the vastness of space collide in harmony" goes to Munkey Ju.

**Disclaimer:** I do not own Megami Kouhosei.

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Upon Reflection- Chapter 1: Erts

Rome, I know how you feel about me. I know I have hurt you. I'm so sorry.

Even though you didn't want me to, I read you as I embraced you. You said you wanted to be with me "till the end." It upset me. It upset me that I had to leave you behind like that. I never wanted for you to be hurt; but, unfortunately, it could not be avoided. It was inevitable. We were just not destined to be together. I had to leave you.

I remember trying, when I was a new candidate, so very hard to make myself love you. For a while it seemingly worked, I had made myself believe that I did love you. I made myself believe I was happy with you when I wasn't really at all. I tried so very hard, for you. But, the whole thing fell apart when we rose to the top. It was then I came to the conclusion that what I truly felt for you was no more than a hopeful lie. I decided I couldn't pretend anymore with you. I'm sorry, but I thought I was meant to be alone forever.

I felt your concern for me as I burrowed into myself, pushing everyone away. You tried to regain what had been lost in me, but failed. I was too alone, too shut off for even you to help me. I had developed an impenetrable shell. If no one could break though no one, including myself, could get hurt. Right?

Then I met him... the one. I knew, the first time we connected, that he was the one I was supposed to be with. I knew that he and I would be partners in every way. It was our destiny. I wasn't meant to be alone forever after all.

I feel comfort in simply thinking of him. His messy dark hair. His reassuring smile. His deep beautiful blue eyes. The eyes the hue of the fragile glow hardly anyone notices; where Zion's radiance and the vastness of space collide in harmony. I could get lost forever in those eyes. No, I _want_ to be lost forever in those eyes.

I still look back on my time with him. Training in the Cueval simulator. Testing him, and being thoroughly impressed. His determination was amazing to me, as that was a trait I lacked at the time. Being with him, though, changed that. I knew I had to be close to him, at any cost. I had to become a pilot because I knew he would become one. I have to watch over him. I couldn't believe how much I changed in the short time he and I were together.

Then came the time I had to leave. The pain of my brother's death had to be coupled with the pain of leaving you and him behind. It was almost too much for me to bear. I felt I was going to be crushed under it all. But then, in my room, he took my hand and made a promise to me. He promised to become a pilot and told me to wait for him. He spoke from his heart. He meant every word. At that moment I felt the crushing pain escape me, and in its wake was hope. Hope for the future.

Rome, I left you behind. We will never meet again. I'm so sorry. But, it _is_ for the best. I now have him, Zero, to wait for. And...I will wait forever.


	2. Rome

This chapter takes place after Rome leaves GOA, and is basically her reflecting on her time there. Oh, and I just guessed on Rome's age. She looks more to me like an older teen so... yeah. And if you find any mistakes, please tell me!

Oh, and I know that Rome is usually mellow and positive, but I figure that even Rome would be depressed after being torn away from everyone she's known for the past few years. Not to mention being forcefully abandoned by Erts because she wasn't strong enough to be a Repairer on GIS.  
  
**Warnings:** General Rome sadness and one-sided Rome/Erts.  
  
**Disclaimer:** I do not own Megami Kouhosei.

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Upon Reflection- Chapter 2: Rome

Stepping into my own room again feels sort of strange and disheartening. After all, it has been around two years since I have done so, and I have become quiet accustomed to having no privacy and being around constant drama. But now, everything has changed. No longer will I experience Una randomly forcing her way into my room when she was bored, upset, or worried; nor will I ever again hear Kyoko and Carres screaming obscenities at each other in the hallway. It's now just so... quiet. It's sort of odd to think that I, who so often wished for at least a mere moment of silence on GOA, am now unsettled by the lack of noise. Perhaps I'm just fickle?

Hmm... or maybe I'm just strange. I always _have_ been a little different from the other repairers in my group. I was the only one who came from a relatively well-off family, with a loving mother, father, and little brother; and I was the only one who hadn't lost a family member or friend to Victim. Unlike many of them, I had no personal score to settle to act as my motivation; I chose to become a Repairer simply because I wanted to help people. When I told the others this, they thought I was peculiar. I suppose, then, that it was very fitting for me to be partnered up with Erts, another person who was seen as such.

Erts. I still remember the first time we met: he stood out among the other candidates in that he was the only one who didn't look self-confidant and bold. No, instead he was huddled over, one of his hands clinging to his other arm, eyes focused on the ground. He looked almost terrified. My introduction didn't get much of a reaction from him; however, when I reached for him to begin scanning, he jumped back, his eyes wide and body trembling. It wasn't until a few hours later that he told me _why _he had such an aversion to being touched.

After a month or two, I became his friend... or at least I like to think he considered me one. We spoke on a close, friendly level, but still never made any sort of physical contact. I was even able to make him smile slightly once or twice. But as we rose in rank, he began to break away from the others and myself, and by the time we were seniors, he was totally unreachable. By this time my feelings for him had gone beyond friendly fondness and developed into real love, so naturally, it hurt to see him distance himself from me. It hurt even more when I finally realized that I was not going to be the person who would bring Erts back from the edge of despair. Still, I tried not to let my emotions get in the way of my job. I tried to pretend like everything was fine, even though my soul was aching.

It was then that Erts came to me one day, actually excited, talking about finally finding his pair. That pair, of course, turned out to be a boy called Zero Enna. Meeting Zero was, in all honesty, a bit of a surprise. He is the opposite of Erts in many ways: Erts is generally calm, serious, and quiet, whereas Zero is generally a bit hyperactive, playful, and loud; yet somehow, they were perfectly matched.

It was directly after this first match with Zero that Erts began to change. He actually _laughed_. It was the first time I had ever seen him show such positive emotion, and I can not tell you how pleased I was. Zero, however, wasn't quiet as happy since the laughter was at his and his repairer's expense. Luckily, Zero forgave Erts for his actions quickly and with ease, and I watched them become very close. Zero was able to do things that no one else could: he made Erts smile, he could touch Erts, and most importantly... he helped Erts accept his telepathy. Zero saved Erts from his isolation.

Of course, as they say, "all good things must come to an end." Erts ended up being promoted... and I couldn't come with him. My body and my will were not strong enough for the job, or so the officials told me. As I left their office, I was incredibility nervous about telling Erts that he'd have to go alone, even though I knew that he could handle it now. I just wasn't sure how he'd react. Apathy on his part, I think, would have killed me, but I never expected him to grab me and hug me close. It was the first time he had ever touched me, as well as the first time in several years that I had cried from sorrow.

After Erts left, the officials were at a loss over what to do with me. They didn't want to assign me another candidate, nor did they want to make me work as a GOA technician. At one point they even bounced around the idea of making me a nurse, though I was afraid I wouldn't fit in with the rest of the medical staff. In the end, it was decided that the best course of action would be to send me home, where I could relax and be a normal sixteen year old. Sadly, I do not believe I can be anormal teenager again; nor do I believe that _any_ Repairer or Candidate could return to normal life after experiencing the things they have.

I suppose I shall have to try, though. I am scheduled to start attending a normal high school in a few weeks, and perhaps there I will be able to make a few friends. Maybe I'll even see a few people I knew before I left for GOA. Though, honestly, I'm not sure that having several friends will fill the void I feel inside of me now. The void left by a person I really hoped would be next to me forever. I guess, in a way, I'm now like the other Repairers I knew: the war has forever taken from me someone who was very important to my heart.


End file.
